My New Blackberry

Well another step for man, and one giant leap for my tech junkie ass. I signed up with T-Mobile for 2 years and they gifted me a Blackberry 8100 Pearl. It's a beautiful phone and does absolutely everything!

I can instant messege on AOL, MSN, Yahoo!, Blackberry IM and ICQ. (WTF is ICQ?) It can access email from anywhere and I CAN MYSPACE!!! Bluetooth compatible and oh yeah I have a flash on my Camera!

It has video, pictures, ringtones, music and I just fucking love it...

Thanks T-Mobile....

Stupid blog to you I know, but I just cut my need to hop on and off my personal computer by 50%.

Cortez the Killer

Dave Matthews is a legend. But it's always good to see him recognize other people. Warren Haynes, another one of my alltime fav's does Niel Youngs "Cortez The Killer" with Dave live on stage in New York City. This is an amazing video, song and stage preformance. Trust me when I say this video is worth 10 minutes of your life. The solos are insane and the audio is perfect. I wish I could have been there.



During one of the solos Dave looks back at his drummer, Carter Beauford, and says "It's bad" remarking about that insance guitar playing giving props to Warren Haynes. These guys are enjoying there instruments. Fuck the money these guys love the music...

Just a thought

End your Friday at a swim up bar.
At the last sip pour the ice all over you.

Adults Only

Do you mind if I grab you? What if I don't let go? Would you smile at me?
Have you ever been tied to the wall like this? What does it do to your pulse?
Is that too tight? Perfect.

You don't even struggle when I choke you. Blindfolded, you can't see. Now your heart is speeding. Shhh... It's just a feather. How does it feel? Does it tickle?

Don't you love the half second of burn just before the wax cools against your skin? It almost hurts, it's working isn't it?

You shouldn't breathe so hard, it's still early. I haven't eaten yet...

Soon to leave

I am down to the final hours before hitting the road (hopefully) to Houston, TX. I am very nervous and excited to get started. I will be traveling 1900 miles from Stuart and will attempt to do half of it in my sleep. No phone, just enough cash and gas and I'll be there in 2.

It's like I can finaly after 8 months start on me again. My boys, myself, me. "The Clements Boys!!"

I was thinking of all the things I'd miss here like the sand-bar (which i never seem to go to anymore), the food, the sights, I realize, I won't miss them at all. It's the times I had at those places. I have more good times. I will have them elsewhere. But the one thing I will miss, is my girl. I don't care whats in your head, I call her that. Get over it.

I'll be thinking of you every second, until you come see me. I will walk with a pure heart and set dynamite to the mountainside.

Love at First Sight

Poetry is so powerful.

I was at Barnes and Noble the other day killing time, and sat and read through a few books. Tax literature, French phrases, Dr. Suess (of corse), and then I stumbled on the poetry section. I picked up a book called, "Immortal Poems of the 21st centry."

The first poem I opened up to about half way through the book was, "Who Ever Loved, That Loved Not At First Sight."

It lies not in our power to love or hate, For will in us is overruled by fate. When two are stripped, long ere the course begin, We wish that one should love, the other win; And one especially do we affect Of two gold ingots, like in each respect: The reason no man knows, let it suffice, What we behold is censured by our eyes. Where both deliberate, the love is slight: Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?

It's one of those poems that you get into the more you read it over and over again. not like it changes the world, but it meant enough that I wanted to keep it forever, and what better place than this blog?

Opposite look at God

You're such an inspiration for the ways that I'll never ever choose to be
Oh so many ways for me to show you how the savior has abandoned you
F*ck your God, Your Lord and your Christ
He did this took all you had and left you this way
Still you pray, you never stray, never taste of the fruit
You never thought to question why

It's not like you killed someone
It's not like you drove a hateful spear into his side
Praise the one who left you broken down and paralyzed
He did it all for you

Oh so many many ways for me to show you how your dogma has abandoned you
Pray to your Christ, to your god
Never taste of the fruit, never stray, never break
Never---choke on a lie
Even though he's the one who did this to you
You never thought to question why

It's not like you killed someone
It's Not like you drove a spiteful spear into his side
Talk to Jesus Christ as if he knows the reasons why
He did it all for you


Judith
by: Maynard Keenan

Revolution

Today I was angry. Confused and betrayed. I became passionate, but to my credit, the rage was controlled. Revisiting this monster I challenged revolution within me. Standing outside myself I confronted the demon and crushed him like popsicle stick castles.

It's mission was to create division were there was none. Conflict from nothing and anguish over loss. This liar was caught before any curses haunted what I have rebuilt.

I grabbed her hand and stared at the angel he was hiding from me. We are waiting for you to come back, and we are ready.

Tonights storm

Sedated tonight by the splash of waves
Winds singing calm tunes in our ear
Conversations of matter and slaves
Hands together walking on the peer.

We notice each others stare
“Baby, your eyes are blue.”
I see how much you truly care
You know that I’d die for you.

The past and the future, our favorite songs
How we could’ve, would’ve and will love
We go over all of our rights and wrongs
And if we were designed from above.

We walk and we talk for hours on in
You stop and you kiss me and stare
Into my eyes it would be a sin
For us to no longer be here.

When will we make it, what should we do
In the end you love me, and I love you.

Human Error

We are selfish people. All of us. We lie to get our way, we manipulate to set a desired direction. We blame it all on noble causes to convince ourselves we aren't like all the other people we judge. We should be ashamed to stand up for ourselves. Claiming a character of honor and living without it.

I have seen holes the the people I admire. I have found fault in the kings and queens of my life. So now what? Who can I look up to?

This world is full of lies and deceit. Genocide. Slaying us all for the greater good.

Not me, and my friends. But us and ours. You too. I find nobility in no one. But I feel better about myself.

Secrets

Something that is kept hidden, or concealed. A secret. Invisible to protect the feelings of others, or to hide our intentions. An element of divisibility, which we all possess, a secret can maintain the integrity of American security or break your heart.

I have and do hold many secrets, and many were and are held from me. Depeche Mode described it as the policy of truth. Our secrets betray those who hold none from us, and our hearts are broken by what we are hidden from. But that's what the secrets were intended for, weren't they? To protect hearts and minds.

I have discovered that the secret to protect a heart is more damaging when revealed than before consealed.

Am I really being honest with you? This blog is open for all to see and I am pretending to charade my truest self before you. Could I hold no secrets from this audience? Is anyone truly honest with me? How would they hold no secrets from myself?

Secrets - holding us together, tearing us apart.

I guess the only worry is what secret to keep, and which lie to tell...

Soul Mates

I saw this painting and immediately responded with a double take and some deep thought. This is a water color painting by Kathy Parks rightfully named "Soulmates." I think it describes it very well. The past and future tangled and as far as we are all concerned they are the only two trees in the whole world. Enjoy....

Split Decisions

I am watching two squirrels play outside my bedroom window this morning. The sun is out with only a few summer clouds in the sky. It's Saturday, which calls for a pool and a little rum. (Rum?)

It'd be so nice to be as carefree as these two little squirrels. Dancing around, chasing each other up and down the trees, flipping and hopping. It seems they haven't a care in the world. I wish I could go about my day in such fashion.

I am good at faking such an attitude of adolescent objectivity in my facade you all see, but inside it's much more troubling, more complex. A web of honesty and deceit. A labyrinth of responsibilities and requirements, caverns of lies and truths. A partition dividing my conscious into sane and incoherent, separating my good feelings into passion and revenge.

Behind the exterior, in all of us I believe, lies a morbid individual. A judgemental carnivore. Behind the smile, a damaging scowl. Opposite my confidence, there is a vulnerable child.

You may have to dig a little to see it. My old friends all saw it, but I took a lot of acid back then and let the whole world see the truth. But we are much better than that now right? (Are we? Who's we?) Over the last 8 years of 'growing up' I have learned to hide myself behind, well, myself.

And even the me behind myself loves these two little squirrels dancing in the front yard outside my bedroom window. I wonder if they are hiding anything...

Dream (dave)

Last night's dream suct. I was sitting on a couch and she walks up and begins that conversation were you know she's stalling and talking randomly until she gets the confidence to continue. She was leaving me. Not an emotional woman this time but someone who was over it, and had moved on. So I confronted the question in my head. "You've met someone else?" "Yes, and Dave is a good person." Dave? Who the fuck is Dave... (Dave Matthews is in concert tonight) Hmm...

I tossed and turned until finally waking myself up to a time of 6:30 am. Stayed up since.

I hate bad dreams. Especially the ones that go after your greatest fears.

Dream (ex)

So I finally remembered my dream from the other night....

I had just arrived in Houston and was seeing, my ex-wife of 4 years, Stephanie's parents for the first time since she commited suicide. (I was in Martin County Jail while this happened and still haven't been able to see them. )

When I walked into a house, their house, or somewhere. I saw first her sister Stacey, who put her nose in the corner and complained that I hadn't said anything to them yet.

Second I saw her father and he was very irritated with me as well. Wouldn't talk to me at all actually.

They haven't liked me since I divorced her. It seemed very cold and I was extremely nervous. An unforgiving spirit was around everyone and I felt it. Oddly enough my confidence was high and I was able to detach myself from the undertones of the moment. I wasn't concerned with anything emotional, but only paying my respect. Much like a characteristic of a sociopath... {Shut up}

Weird dream for me, because this is a moment I could actually walk into when I arrive in Houston next week.

Anyway wish me luck...

Cancer & Aquarius

"The Infinity : Cancer & Aquarius"

Bound in infinity, Cancer and Aquarius live protected from the outside.

I drew it up to impress my girl...

Now what about the two signs? How do they mingle?

When these two signs hook up, there will be sexual attraction and an endless curiosity about the other. Both signs will want to hit the party circuit and mingle together. Cancer is very attracted to outgoing and independent Aquarius.

Aquarius sees passion and a relationship with this easy carefree sign known as Cancer. Together, they can build an intimate relationship that could make it to the altar.

They key to making this relationship work is to know when to walk away for a moment. Do not play games with each other and that goes double for Aquarius.

Revelation

An aquital for murder, and the man was released from jail. A third year law student aces the bar and the doors fly open. The one big client that sets you apart from the competition faxes over his commitment. A pinhole of sunlight in the eyes of a trapped miner. You know the feeling. Maybe not on such grandoise scales but you get it. That moment of accomplishment when all of your efforts align with the stars and you have your day. Betwixted inside the mountain of rumble I'm required to move, still, today was that day for me.

A song I had long since forgotten. A sound as if the angels in heaven were singing themselves rose from the Chili's parking lot in Jensen Beach today. The Red Sea parted, the sky opened up, the floodgates burst. God it was amazing.

Staring into my future like scripture. A divinely inspired fact. I was hit. Right in the brain with the possibility that it all will be as is should.

Consider the mountains but vapor, and blow them away...

Am I a Sociopath?

I was told, I could be a sociopath by someone who knows me. Were they playing some "your crazy" routine or engaging in a conversation of interest.

Several characteristics of the diagnoses would actually fit me. "Manipulative and Conning" "Need for Stimulation" "Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility" But after some personal research I found myself in conflict with some of the priority characteristics. Most importantly, an "Incapacity for Love" thing was troubling to me. Anyone who has any experience with me at all would have no convection less than an unprecedented capacity for love.

A sociopath sees his lovers as instruments and opportunities to manipulate and exploit, before ultimately turning them into his victims. I can imagine a number of my exgirlfriends would agree with the previous statement how ever I see it much differently. But even the diagnoses says I would see it all differently. Hmm... But I guess it would be an outside diagnoses and involving a reaction to my actions in life to be determined by an outside person other than me, so my understanding of my own conflicts is irrelevant. But for the record I disagree.

"A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at my supposed core. I do not see others around me as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, I have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and I let nothing stand in my way." Does this sound like something I could say? Believably? God maybe I could. But victims? No for sure not me...

"Shallow Emotions" is something I am also supposed to have a problem with. I mean come on, shallow emotions? My emotions are abyss-like I would venture to say and sometimes I am a little embarrassed about how emotional I can be.

I don't feel I am paranoid and I am sure there is no goal to enslave any of my victims. Although the thought does slightly turn me on but that's something totally different than sociopathy. Ropes and well, another time...

The profile of a sociopath also says that I am "Incapable of real human attachment to another." Incapable? Umm anyone ever heard the name Brandi?

Now I will concede on at least one simularity I have with the charateristics of a sociopath. A sociopath may state readily that their goal is to rule the world. I will openly say hidden it the caverns of my ulterior motives and underlying disinformation I may minutely harbor this as a deranged unphathomable highly unattainable goal. Aside from my opinian of achieving the goal itself, I do say it openly that I want to rule the world...

A sociopath is mainly identified by there being something very wrong with a person's conscious. They either 1) have a conscious with "holes" in it, 2)they don't seem to have one at all or 3) they are able to completely neutralize their sense of conscious into a perspective that they aren't doing anything wrong. One thing is for sure: Sociopaths only care about themselves and only see themselves as being "real" or truely human. Everybody and everything outside of themselves are twisted in their mind into mere objects to be used to achieve personal fulfillment.

A sociopath often believes that they are doing nothing wrong or doing something greatly good, due to their egocentricity and grandiose sense of self-worth. They will cold-bloodedly take what they want and do as they please at any expense of anyone in their lives; predators who satisfy their lust for power and control through superficial charm, manipulation, intimidation, and violence.

There seems to be a difference between the made sociopath (one who's lived a life with a childhood that pushed them into the mind state of a sociopath) and the "true" sociopath (one who is born a sociopath.)

Common Sociopath: simple lack of conscious.

Alienated Sociopath: an inability to love or recieve love.

Aggressive Sociopath: a consistent saddistic streak.

Dyssocial Sociopath: an ability to abide by GANG rules, as long as these rules are the WRING rules.

So am I a sociopath? Yes, No, Maybe so.

Dave Matthews

My Absolute Favorite!!!
There isn't anyone who can jam to me like The Dave Matthews Band. For 13 years they have held the title, as far as I'm concerned. His collective groove undulating from the man and his friends, is a slight on this side of the Phish acid induced 45 minutes songs, but 13 minutes just the same, and he's got plenty of songs.
I have dug them so long people tend to associate me with Dave. I let them. But sure enough, everytime I go somewhere, it's like the moment I walk through the door, dave on the radio. Pretty cool. I have let it work for me, but it's still rather ironic to me that it happens, seriously, everytime.
Anyway enough tribute, look at the video. Phish's lead singer (my second favorite all time dude) Trey Anastasio is playing with Dave Matthews in a really great song, "Trouble."

Drivers Licence

Wow, I am a licenced driver now. I can drive, I can drive, I can drive... $1600 later I got a new picture. I didn't even have an ID, and haven't since the cops took it from me. God I hate cops.

I am on my way to go Drink and Drive, hopefully I will get too drunk and run a family of hadicaped children off into a ditch. Knock on wood... I have been good and haven't driven at all...

Good night...

Medical Marijuana

I have decided, that California is the place to be. I just got out of jail for Marijuana and these guys are smoking legally? WTF



So thats it. After all the 8th graders come back just before lunch from the nurses office, stoned out of their mind, and sit down to swallow the Pythagorean Therom while counting the minutes till they can soak there fangs into a cheeseburger. Maybe some fries, and a Hypotenoose is the square root of the added squares between the outsides 1 and 2. Sure, they'll have no problem. Do I support medical marijuana? Thats irrelevant, I don't support minor medical marijuana at school...

Living a lie...

I saw this video on Dave Navaro's site. I think its and member of his crew. Fucking awesome lyrics and music. A serious mix of NIN's Trent Reznors lyrics with the garage satan melt punk electronic background music. I liked it, see what you think.



Lyrics
I'm living a lie
And it's not the best thing for me
But anyone and everyone is gonna hear another story
I'm building a house
Of murderous intention
To keep it all from coming down
I've gotta focus my attention
'cause confidence is key
When violating trust
I'm making sure that I believe I'm doing what I must
Which is attempting to kill
The little boy inside
But as hard as I try...
The child will not die
Now I'm burning alive, just like you
I'm irrelevant
And I'm living down in the shit
I follow these pigs around
But I never get used to it
'cause they keep building and building
Their feculant franchise
I wish I could see this filth
From someone else's eyes
'cause ignorance was bliss
But now I must adjust
These animals, they operate
On jealousy and lust
I'm taking back what was lost
And I will not be denied
I'm crawling my way to the surface outside
Now I'm burning alive, just like you

Ideas...

We are told to remember the idea, not the man. Because man can fail. He can be caught. He can be killed or forgotten. But even hundred's of years later, an idea can still change the world.

I've witnessed firsthand the power of ideas. I've seen people who've killed in the name of them, and died defending them. But you cannot kiss an idea. You can not touch it, or hold it. Ideas do not bleed, they do not feel pain. They do not love. And it is not an idea that I miss, but a woman who told me I was alive. A woman that I will never forget.

Look at me!!!

I love your heart which sees the truth in me. I admire the way you know my lies. You know the rate from which my pulse beats. No mask would work as a disguise.

I can see you through the strength, you show the world and they believe, but I see a girl praying fiercely from her fragile little knees. Your words are trivial and nothing more. For it's the things you don't say...

We stare into each others soul and the outside fades away. Somehow in it's company, the misery of yesterday. Embraced we loose our willingness to make it on our own, and laugh about that the lots of land; over which we've flown.

Tomorrow promises nothing more, except that it will come. We will be there in it's day I'm sure we'll have some fun. But in several tomorrow's I must leave, on a journey while your still here. My heart will crush again for sure, and my face will dew some tears. Our memories are etched forever, and that's exactly what I need. To remember who I'm fighting for and who's where I want to be.

Yes...

Have you a woman that you'd slide your thumb through the throat of a man for?

Is there a girl for whom you'd learn the swing and swagger onto the floor and tango? Could she spin and land just above your palms bent over beneath that, solo? Would she take your breath away like that on purpose?

Can she look at you in the eyes and let you know exactly who you are? If she wished would you be what she wished for on a star?

Is there something in the two of you not a soul can understand? Are they jealous at it's mention and they're angered at your plans?

Does 1000 miles crawling sound like a sunday morning cruise? Just to smell and write a song about the aroma of your muse?

Yes...