Love or Loss

Between a rock and a hard place is the love or loss of her face. I don't know what to do. I can love and hate almost within the same feeling and moment for the same reasons.

So, I am in love with a woman who is strong and weak, real and fake, beautiful and ugly, smart and ignorant, and she is my best friend.
We have been through more good and bad times than I could write about, but looking back remembering all of them, I seem only to stop and think about the face of an angel. All the nights we went to bed mad and woke up the same. The violent agruments, the threats and lies. I remember only the chicken wings and how far I can see through her eyes. I remember that feeling that everything on earth is somehow moving forward perfectly. No matter what I go through, broke or rich, happy or sad, life or death I had someone who meant the world to me to share it with.

So now I deal with a much more complicated issue. The Future...

I am clinging to the beauty of our past and it may be the subject for my demise. The way we loved, it was magical. But now it's clouded with misunderstanding, deception, arms length passion, and a resentment as only the Devil has for God.

Don't get me wrong there is definately an undertone of the way we were, but she doesn't believe what I feel is true. I desereve that. My lies, filandering and secrets have warranted every bit of it. However I think she wants it to be true.

The problem is our pride and ego. We are both intense within the Zodiac and trust our instincts. But our insticts are conflicting. I will dive in with all my heart, just in case there is a chance in hell. I do it just long enough to realize that I'll never get it back, so I give up. However the moment I give up she'll throw me into a moment of passion and magic. Still thinking I should be careful, I wear down at her belief that I am real with her. So she throws her towel in, just before I decide it could work.

Back and forth has been the last 28 months of our lives. I am torn between running as far as I can from her and moving completely beyond this time in my life, and putting in 100% until I know for sure. The ladder seems more "Notebook" and very romantic, but its very hard.

God grant me the destiny to love and be loved, and the understanding to know if it's her.