Worlds Apart

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loved
More deeply than the oceans,
More abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice?
Oh, grip the spear and watch the blood and the water flow

To love You
Take my world apart
To need You
Broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
'Cause what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nail that still remains
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
Battle between grace and pride

I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain,
And wash my feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak,
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
My sin-soaked heart - make it yours
Take my world all apart,
Take it now, take it now
And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can't deny
Watch the world I used to love
Fall to dust and blow away
I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost

73 more days!!!

I am doing it. Even though all of you said I couldn't. Why you said that I don't know, I am not a promiscuous girl... haha funny... But I'm NOT!!

This whole commitment sucks ass though... Not because I am flushed with opportunity, but because I have to. It would be easier I think if I didn't notice it, but this whole keeping count thing is knawing at me...

Just keeping you up to date...

The future is glowing with possibility..

12 O'clock the music stops, she walked up to me, and took her shoes off.
She said thats it, and I knew it, she said we can't dance, without music.

Those moments are surreal. Makes you feel like a vampire, very in control of the moment and the senses.

Going to the city soon and the city always has that vampire-esk persona. I look forward to it.

I want to stare into someone again. Someone different. Someone with a dark side. With magic in her eyes.

happiness

Behind and before me lay direction. The same, different, completely oppisite doesn't matter. Direction implies movement. An area of focus...

I guess I'd go back if I could. But I've been told it's because it's comfortable there. We are creatures of habit and the challenge of change, although exciting, becomes frightening when it's not just a thought but an action.

In the Declaration of Independance, Thomas Jefferson said that we all have the RIGHT to "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." But did you ever notice the word pursuit? As if happiness is something we can only pursue and never attain. Sure at times we feel happy, but never completely content. We are always reaching for something.

No Drama

Last Night I decided to avoid all drama, and just enjoy the evening. I saw thousands of people I knew (yeah right, stuart on Monday!) and watched football.

I won a Huge bet, (1$) and I think I'll started playing the spreads with my genius predictions.. hehe Jag's suk...

I forgot my camera last night, but it's better that way...

Only Me

I'm becoming less defined, as days go by
Fading away, well you might say I'm losing focus
Kind of drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself
Sometimes, I think I can see right through myself

Less concerned, about fitting into the world
Your world that is, cause it doesn't really matter anymore
None of this really matters anymore

Yes, I am alone, but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell, I think maybe it's because
Because you were never really real to begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself

Yeah, and I just made you up to hurt myself

And it worked
Yes it did!

There is no you, there is only me
There is no fucking you, there is only me

Only

Well, the tiniest little dot caught my eye
And it turned out to be a scab
And I had this funny feeling
Like I just knew it's something bad

I just couldn't leave it alone
I kept picking at that scab
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through

Now I'm somewhere I am not supposed to be
And I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
And now I know why now, now I know why
Things aren't as pretty on the inside

There is no fucking you, there is only me

Descendants of the wandering...

One time. One crime
One thought to even recognize
Not to realize my signs for you
Not to die for you
But it's all blown up
So fuck off
You know I tried

We are all descendants of the Wandering
So don't be afraid
It's just the remnants of my offerings
And I, I won't be enslaved!

One sign. One line
One time to disenfranchise
All those people's ugly designs for you
Not to cry for you
It's all blown up
So fuck off
You know I tried

Hello World

Hi everyone...

Ever since I transfered my blog to this new site its not evident how many readers I have... The more I forget about whos reading the more open I get... Crazy...

But since this stupid shit has happened lately, I have received 13 emails from 13 different people wishing me luck and letting me know everyone gets a little drama every once in a while.

Thank all of you for your kind words... And some of you who were laughing... It's ok, I would to.

I woke up this morning to a sun brighter than normal... I feel a world of possibility that I didn't yesterday... I'll be ok...

I am 36 days into the 45 day max time from a transfer to Houston so soon I'll finnaly be gone. I'll miss you guys. Thanks for letting me know who my friends are...

81 days left

So I was looking through this blog... God it's all about Brandi. Am I a looser or what? I was think about deleteing it and starting over. Should I? Fuck... I really don't want to see this shit for the rest of my life. Brandi Brandi Brandi... I guess I'll keep it, and laugh at it in a few years...

It's weird you know. When everything you plan for suddenly changes. I really don't know what to expect anymore. But one thing is for sure. My next girl will NOT be a cancer. Gemini or Pisces is what it's supposed to be anyway, I always knew that..

So last night I had an idea. Celebacy. Not forever, but I was talking to these dumb drunk chicks last night who I think were hitting on me and I told them I was celebate for 90 days. That didn't seem to stop them, but it got me thinking. I think I am going to try it.

So lets see.. Last time I had sex was on the 12th. So that means I have to go until January 12th. Damn thats a long time. But I was in Jail for 6 months and was fine. So 81 day left... Think I can do it? Probly not, but I will see...

Lies are natural?

I think I have figured out something today. Not like the key to life or anything but a very important ideal with regard to character, and relationships.

Lies are the splinters that infect our culture. They are the manifestation of the disapproval we have for ourselves. We never lie about the things we are proud of. We only lie about the thing we feel horrible about so the one we lie to doesn't see our flawed soul.

But when the lie comes out is also where our honor is tested. We become so scared that we have been discovered as dishonorable that we continue to dig deeper into our blackness.

I think it hurts to be lied to. Hell I have lied so many times to so many people that I could never rebuild all my burnt bridges.

I was lied to. In fact the person who lied to me has enough guilt for the things they do, that they have been transfering that guilt into accuations for me. I have assumed that there has been a miscommunication on my part to make sure myself was understood. I have been devoutly trying to be convincing of my truest feelings without success. Thankfully it wasn't me.

Today I feel free. I know that I am not what I have been told I was. Lesser than everyone, a beautiful liar. Today I discovered I am just like everyone else. A judgemental carnivore.

Crossroads are before me. A change in my direction. An ability to unchain myself to a worthless dream. I thought it would hurt to let go. Maybe I'd mourn forever. Ahh I can see the future now...

They gave me poison for food, and for my thirst they gave me vinegar to drink, It is finished.

Good Morning

Good morning all... Whoever you are...
Well I will let you know that my morning is divine. I watched a wonderful morning pick-me-up I saw on a freinds MySpace...



I think it would be a good idea to watch this regularly...

no title

Work ourselves, fingers to the bone, suck the morrow, drain my soul. Pay your dues, and your debts. Pay your respects, everybody tells you. You pay for what you get. Everybody asks me how she's doing has she really lost her mind? I said, I couldn't tell you I've lost mine. Words, words, words... Have you heard a bird in hand is much better than, any number free to wander fly away... Stay, you pay for what you get. Everybody asks me how she's doing since she went away I said I couldn't tell, but I'm okay.

Love or Loss

Between a rock and a hard place is the love or loss of her face. I don't know what to do. I can love and hate almost within the same feeling and moment for the same reasons.

So, I am in love with a woman who is strong and weak, real and fake, beautiful and ugly, smart and ignorant, and she is my best friend.
We have been through more good and bad times than I could write about, but looking back remembering all of them, I seem only to stop and think about the face of an angel. All the nights we went to bed mad and woke up the same. The violent agruments, the threats and lies. I remember only the chicken wings and how far I can see through her eyes. I remember that feeling that everything on earth is somehow moving forward perfectly. No matter what I go through, broke or rich, happy or sad, life or death I had someone who meant the world to me to share it with.

So now I deal with a much more complicated issue. The Future...

I am clinging to the beauty of our past and it may be the subject for my demise. The way we loved, it was magical. But now it's clouded with misunderstanding, deception, arms length passion, and a resentment as only the Devil has for God.

Don't get me wrong there is definately an undertone of the way we were, but she doesn't believe what I feel is true. I desereve that. My lies, filandering and secrets have warranted every bit of it. However I think she wants it to be true.

The problem is our pride and ego. We are both intense within the Zodiac and trust our instincts. But our insticts are conflicting. I will dive in with all my heart, just in case there is a chance in hell. I do it just long enough to realize that I'll never get it back, so I give up. However the moment I give up she'll throw me into a moment of passion and magic. Still thinking I should be careful, I wear down at her belief that I am real with her. So she throws her towel in, just before I decide it could work.

Back and forth has been the last 28 months of our lives. I am torn between running as far as I can from her and moving completely beyond this time in my life, and putting in 100% until I know for sure. The ladder seems more "Notebook" and very romantic, but its very hard.

God grant me the destiny to love and be loved, and the understanding to know if it's her.

My Appology

Today I betrayed a friend. I am so very sorry. Sometimes i can see right through myself. It isn't pleasant. I love beyond my rights, and hate even uglier. Kind of drifting to the abstract, in terms of how i see myself.

But doesn't law, moral law, prescribe a definitive responsibility for the conflict we involve ourselves in. Shouldn't disinformation and unresolve that bleeds on our hands require us to concede enough to at least dilute the tension it causes.

Does our current contention with our lives and our effort for reform permit allowance of quarrel.

Ah to know the intimate thoughts of others. To be sure that we are wrong or if we've just been convinced. Is my blind love causing my uppercut or is it malicious. Do I care or is it jealousy.

I am sorry for the passion of my revenge. I do not deserve it's power, I will not use it on you. I am crazy. Possibly clinically. I'm becoming less defined as days go by, living less concerned about fitting into the world. Your world that is...

writing sux

I am not really interested in writing. I am a little depressed and seem to be secluding myself in myself a little more and more each day. I wonder if I'll make this blog private or stop writing.

Ready to leave

I can't believe I am still in florida! God it sucks here. Once I move I am able to stand on my own two feet and build a life for myself. But my probation officer isn't letting me leave just yet. Waiting on some stupid travel permit. God I can't wait till this is over.

I hate it here. The people suck, friends are two faced, enemies are worse, and the hard part is the difficulty in knowing the difference.

I look forward to seeing my family and starting my job. Getting on my own feet and forgetting the mistakes that led me here.

7 weeks now i have been pushing to leave and I am still here. I fucking hate this place.

Part of me...

There is crime in my heart.
My intentions are not pure.
A mask of black covers me.
I must run before it kills you.
I know your fate if I stay.
It grows within me all day.
We struggle for your survival.
I must run before it kills you.
A monster is becoming angry.
My patience has become it enemy.
He's growing stronger.
I must run before I let it kill you.

I'll back you up

I remember thinking
I'll go on forever only knowing
I'll see you again
But I know
The touch of you isn't so hard to remember
But like that touch I know no other

And for sure we have danced
In the risk of each other
Would you like to dance
Around the world with me

I'll be falling all about my own thing
And I know your the heaviest weight
When your not here that's hung
Around my head

I remember thinking
Sometimes we walk
Sometimes we run away
But I know
No matter how fast we are running
Somehow we keep
Somehow we keep up with each other

And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest few
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I'll back you up

Dream (walking the isle)

She walks toward me
the song playing is about this moment
her dress is white with a line of blue across her breast
she is giving herself to me

Her eyes were glowing
her smile was real and i love her
she gets close and puts her hand in mine
we face our creator and ask to be married

We were alone
the crowd was invisible
the world stood still and watched
Even the angels in heaven gave pause